The latest hurdle

Dax is officially being retired.

I finally had the VT vets out to re-check her, and the gist is that the bone cyst in her left stifle is actually WORSE, and her joint is showing signs of degeneration.  The meniscus (the fibrous pad that cushions the large bones of the knee joint in horses and peoples) is ragged looking, the joint capsule is thickened and there's a lot of fluid accumulation.  This was all determined with Xray and ultrasound.

On top of that, the head vet mention bone cysts are often bi-lateral, so they did a quick Xray of her right (good) stifle and found a matching bone cyst there.  Why that one hasn't caused her any problems while the left one is so bad, we'll never know, but it certainly paints a dimmer picture.  We did discuss possible further treatments for the left painful joint, and the vet explained that her chances of responding to any intervention were slim, especially since the steroid injection failed to help.  In addition to that, the only other possibilities would be upwards of $5K.  On no planet does it make sense to spend $5K for a treatment that has a slim chance of helping a horse that is valued at less than half that amount.

So Dax is going into retirement until the joint pain decreases her quality of life, and then she'll have to be put down.  She is walking around her very hilly pasture just fine right now, but if she trots on her own you can see how lame she is.  I need to find her a new home that is smaller and less hilly, and preferably with calmer friends (right now there area  couple of young and very active herd members that keep everybody moving around quite a bit).  

This typed explanation isn't conveying the emotions tied up in the situation well....the best analogy I can come up with is trying to find a good nursing home for a parent.  Think about it: she has no control over how she is treated, I'm looking for good living accommodations as well as attentive care-takers, and money is a significant hurdle.  I guess it's also analogous to trying to find good daycare for a child, but the guilt of trying to find a retirement home for Dax can only be like the guilt of putting a family member in nursing care.  Yes, I feel guilty about this because if I only had unlimited funds I'd give her every treatment/surgery possible, give her a stall at the nicest barn I could find very close to me and treat her just the same as if she was being ridden, out of respect for the time I've had to ride her.  But instead I'm trying to find the cheapest but safe living arrangement for her since she is no longer ride-able.  

This is the dichotomy of horse ownership for a lot of us amateur owners.  Equines are neither pets nor livestock.  They hover between these two categories in some emotionally complex classification that defies rational decision-making.  The connection between myself and Dax rests on riding - without riding, our relationship consists of me delivering treats and her enjoying that but otherwise not really interacting.  Equines typically (and there are exceptions to every rule) do not "bond" to their owners the way a dog does.  Yes, Dax does recognize me compared to a stranger, and responds differently to me than to other people, but she doesn't love me....she understands me, and she trusts me.  It is a trust built up over seven years of weird and sometimes risky adventures.  

That's the foundation of our relationship: that when ever I would get on her back, she was trusting me with her life, and I was trusting her with mine.  There is a profound level of trust build between a horse and rider that many take for granted - take a look at a bucking bronco if you don't remember what horses are capable of and how they should respond to a predator climbing up on their back.  The trust they show a  rider when they calmly allow that rider on their back goes against thousands of years of evolution.  

That trust goes the other way too.  I've been thrown and dragged by enough other horses (and pissy little school ponies) to be cautious with any horse I get on.  I'm not one of those riders who was in the saddle in utero and is fearless....I started riding in highschool.  I'm well aware of how far down it is from a horse's back and how hard that ground really is (and how landing in "soft" sand is actually like having sandpaper rubbed down your skin).  But Dax has repeatedly demonstrated her sensible nature and through her trust in me, her willingness to calmly handle unfamiliar situations.  I trust her to stop and let me know when she's scared or unsure rather than freak out and take off, or rear, or buck.  Not that she hasn't reared before or bucked a couple of times....she's a horse.  But she's done those things a total of three times (yes, I can remember and count exactly when those things happened) and I know why they happened.  After all this time together, I understand her responses, what she can handle and what she can't.  I can trust her to be safe for me to ride bareback in a halter.

With riding, she's like a pet: a healthy emotional and physical outlet.  Without riding, Dax becomes livestock....not exactly serving much purpose.

I guess the best description of my relationship with Dax is like those friendships that are based on a shared experience or interest, but are transient.  Sometimes those friendships can be very deep and intense, but when the commonality is gone, there's little left to foster further friendship.  That's exactly like Dax and I - without riding, we don't have much in common.  But the memory of that relationship, the meaning of that relationship, is not diminished by it's ending.  I am still responsible for her well being, a commitment I made when I bought her.  In the same way I would never abandon a dog b/c I was moving and finding a pet-friendly apt was hard, I will not abandon Dax b/c she can no longer be ridden.  

This is not a simple question of selling my beloved horse b/c I can no longer afford her....she can't go on to a loving family that will ride and care for her b/c she's broken.  It's become clear she'll never be able to be ridden again.  In addition to this she should never be bred, b/c bone cysts have a mysterious but subtle genetic link, so retiring to a broodmare farm isn't an option.  She's become the kind of horse that will get handed around if sold/given away, likely end up at an auction and ultimately shipped to Canada or Mexico where horse slaughter is still legal.  While I actually do not have a problem with HUMANE slaughter, it is very clear that current shipping, handling and slaughter of horses is FAR from humane in most cases.  I refuse to blindly hand her off to some unknown person pretending this scenario couldn't possibly happen to her.  If it can happen to a Kentucky Derby winner, it can damn sure happen to my broken little pony. 

So I'm looking into options, and there are some good ones out there.  They are just few, underfunded and usually have a waiting list b/c there are so many broken horses out there looking for safe and respectful retirement.  The control freak in me is loathe to hand over ownership so I can snatch her out of a bad arrangement if necessary, but the married responsible side of me knows I'm not in a financial position to be picky.  

I'll keep you posted.

Some pics and Thoughts on Horse keeping

Good Morning!
Once again it's Saturday morning and I'm nursing a cup of coffee and contemplating the 23* gray weather outside.
I've finally got the pics of Dax's new pen area.  It raises a few thoughts/questions on horse keeping for me. First the pictures:

The view from my house to the pen area.  Zack is supervising.

Dax waiting for.....food. What else??  You can see the shed/shelter on the right.

The gates and tarp are protecting some beautiful bales of timothy hay.

The easy keeper herself.  And this is a relatively low weight for her!!  I try to keep her in this condition or lighter, but I tell you she can look at a piece of hay and put on 50lbs.  If I lived out west in the desert I'm sure I'd appreciate not having to buy as much hay, but around here the lush grass in spring, summer and fall poses a real problem.  I've never had a laminitis scare with her, but it's something I'm aware and of course equine obesity leads to insulin resistance and joint damage which can shorten her working life dramatically.  So basically Dax is in a constant state of "dieting".

The bone cyst injection site.  She's remarkably not sore and really the picture makes it look worse than it is.  I didn't want to scrub on a sore spot at first so that's why the dried blood is still there (plus I don't have to worry about flies this time of year).

Notice the eye and ear?  I was definitely getting the "What are you doing, Mom?" look.  Nobody freak out about the cloudy water....the water system is spring fed so we get a bit of silt but pony doesn't mind it and I'm pretty sure it's no more hazardous to her health than the dirt that she likes to eat.  Yes, she's a dirt eater even with a mineralized salt block, complete supplement feed and lots of good quality hay (and being wormed regularly.  Although we did have a worm issue at the last barn b/c of another horse but she's been treated and had fecal counts checked).

So the pen is roughly triangular shaped, about 100ftX50ftX30ft, including the sheltered area.  It's only taken her a week to pick out her "poo corners" which makes mucking easier on me.  It's such a small area and being winter I've decided to pickup all the piles, otherwise by spring there will be a mountain manure :-P

Thoughts on horse-keeping and horse "personality":

So some of you might be thinking "She's by herself??  Isn't she lonely?".  To be truthful, of course she's lonely.  Horses are herd animals and prefer company so at the very  minimum they can sleep while someone keeps watch.  BUT the herd mentality varies, and Dax is one of those horses that is at the pretty far end of not being herd-bound.  She's never bonded closely with another horse even when she lived with a herd of about 20 mixed horses, but that could also be party due to the fact she's always been bottom of the herd hierarchy.  I have suspicions that she actually prefers cows and goats for company b/c she can always boss them around - it's pretty much the only time she gets to enjoy any sense of dominance.  That being said she's not pushy at all...she'll let calves chew on her tail and lick her legs, and she even would curl up with her pet goat for naps (freakin' ADORABLE!!!).  And she does sleep without company.  Her preferred nap time is late morning, when the sun is fully up.  Dax just has one of those very independent minds coupled with a generally positive outlook - the world is a friendly place which she approaches with curiosity rather than fear.  In other words, she wouldn't survive two seconds in the wild. (What I imagine goes on in Dax's head - "Aww, look at the funny black and white cat!!  I wonder if I can nuzzle it like a barn kitty?  Hmm, it seems to be lifting it's tail.....maybe it wants to play?"  Seriously, she got sprayed by a skunk a couple of years ago because she went right on up to it.)

Now I realize it sounds like I'm doing some serious bragging, and of course I partly am, but there are some downsides to her personality.  She basically isn't affectionate.  And while I'm pretty sure after 6 years of sole ownership, mostly just me riding and having her at home I'm pretty sure she recognizes me, at the same time she doesn't show any preference for particular people.  (Except that she will test new people to a limited point like any horse, just to see if they mean business or not :-)  She's not playful - she's not particularly interested in people games unless there are treats involved (clicker training anyone??).  The lack of bonding thing actually means she'd make an amazing school horse, and every rider I've ever put on her has been impressed with how well she'll listen to them right off the bat (even my poor never-ridden-a-horse husband!!).  In fact, she's got my number down and generally behaves worse for me than for new folks.  But it does make for a different pet-owner-rider relationship.  I'm more of the "bond tightly with just a few folks" person.  I like my uber-clingy cattle dogs, and even the ridiculously attention-craving Sammy cat (Cato is adorable, but, well, just weird.  She has issues.)  

My desire for a more bonded type of relationship with animals also has to do with the level of trust involved.  I'm well aware that every time I sit on Dax (or get in a trailer with her, or walk behind her...) I'm basically entrusting my life and safety to her.  Now the same is true for her part to a degree, but really, I'm just the food delivery person, I don't think she has a clue that I could possibly endanger her in any way.  For me, riding is about the communication and trust bond between two completely different species (and maybe a little bit about getting to enjoy the athletic abilities of a 1,000lb+ animal).  I think that's why dressage AND endurance are appealing to me....lots of time alone together, figuring things out and navigating together, having "discussions" about horse vs. human opinions :-)  But Dax is more of a go with the flow, all people are good and generally alike, kind of horse.  Ultimately the positives of her type of horse "personality" far outweigh the negatives.  Considering I usually only find time to ride by myself, don't have equine company for her at home, that I like to explore and have little patience for horses scared by their own shadows means that Dax is the best horse for me.  I have developed trust in her, regardless of the level of "bonding", because she is a trust-worthy, sensible horse.

Oh, and she has mad athletic skillz.  Check it out:

3ft warm up fence.  She did her hunter show in the morning then trailered to a polo game to act as a referee horse (8 galloping TBs and balls whizzing around).  How many horses do you know can do that??!?

Now off to lab!!